Quarter-Life Crisis : Fight Against Pre-Marriage Insecurities

Nindya Viani
8 min readMay 23, 2020

“Mama, let’s watch Korean Drama (The World of the Married), aired on television, about an affair 🤣”

This is one of my attempts to entertain Mama, who is already bored because private tutoring has stopped temporarily due to the Covid-19 pandemic. May this pandemic ends soon, may the earth recovers soon, and may the human’s conscience will be brighter to take care for the safety of others, whatever the profession.

For the first time, Mama agreed and so happy. I watch Korean Drama for the second time. The first was in the form of an adaptation of the Webtoon that I liked so I was curious about what would be the actor’s execution was on the field.

Still several episodes and … wow, the story is very emotional, but, the point is, this story contains many messages that can be taken specifically for millennials or young people today. Inevitably, for most women, getting married is such a life-goal that must be achieved, but have they prepared it well?

This drama teaches that life after marriage is really hard if it had to be compared with the life before marriage. Indeed, maintain is more difficult than reach something.

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Watching this drama once brought me to imagine in the old days, where I had (ever, not still) been in the lowest point, and thought,

“Is it from the deepest of men’s heart and their honesty, beauty become the most important thing for most men? Can’t they survive with other factors? Why are there so many men who so hard to be loyal?”

The fact? Just see around you. Relatives, friends, parents of friends, friends of parents, friends of friends, and all viral stories on social media. I hope all f us won’t be like that.

Because I had thought that way, I ever felt so insecure about all of my flaws. Moreover, some people even distort a concept in my religion as an excuse to be ambiguous or more. This is terrible, and be a nightmare for women.

I cannot oppose polygamy because the rules come from Allah and written in Al-Qur’an.

But, hey, how perfect are you to be able to decide something like the Prophet Muhammad did? You need to understand that the Prophet never do polygamy while with Khadijah, even though after Khadijah died it was like that BUT with special conditions that were blessed by God for da’wah, not at all because of lust!

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I went back to my insecure thinking, why is it so difficult to be a woman?

Not all people were born physically beautiful, but all of us beautiful in their ways. Not everyone can lose weight fast, including me. It’s been eating less, it’s already busy, it’s taking time to exercise every day during WFH, fasting too, but what? To lose 0.5 kg is difficult, even though I have tried in such way. Maybe this insecurity happens too for those who want to gain weight, already eat a lot, but they are still too thin.

Yes, not everyone can achieve ideal body weight, because of different nutritional needs, genetic inheritance, or certain diseases (but different stories if someone does not intend to take care of themselves and can not help themselves, this is a mistake because they do not apply a healthy lifestyle).

After a long time,

I’m tired. Yeah, very tired. I’m tired to follow the beautiful standards that people adore out there. You can never be someone else, Nin, and you don’t have to be like that. But … can someone accept me? More precisely … can someone accept me, and stay faithful all the time without an affair? “

Being a career woman is truly a difficult challenge. We have to work, but later on we have to take care of husband, take care of children, take care of all the household chores, maintain relationships with parents and parents-in-law, and so on. With that demand, do I still have time to take care of myself? At a time when I might widen after giving birth, continue to grow old because of fatigue and stress, and not as fresh as in the beginning, will my husband still love me with the same feelings?

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Maybe it’s not fair if I judge men like that, hahaha. However, this statement represents many of my friends’ feelings right now, especially those who are entering the quarter-life crisis. We know, maybe men are also saying, “It is paid off! Women also want who have a lot of income and handsome right? So it’s not a mistake if we also look for the beautiful one!”

Indeed, men will be the backbone of the family, if I have a daughter, of course, I would not be willing to let her live in a difficult life, nor allow her hedonic lifestyle, but I will teach her to always support and appreciate her partner if you want to try your best.

But, it’s undeniable, that even today many women betray their husbands, especially if they are more “superior” in terms of wealth and feel they deserve more. Ouch, it’s hard huh? So, now, who is wrong? Yes, not women, also not men. Who’s wrong is those who can’t understand religion correctly, can’t maintain loyalty, and can’t respect their partner whatever the conditions. We have to remember what is the vision and mission of marriage that has been promised together.

Finally, I realized, being a woman or a man, of course, there were difficulties in each. It’s not wise to find fault from each gender because anyone can make mistakes. Hopefully, we do not become the next mistakes that have happened to others. Then, don’t forget, love yourself before loving someone else!

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As women, we also must not be too weak and always feel like a victim, because many naughty women who can’t take care of themselves properly. They don’t have any self-respect by taking other someone’s partner. A happiness that comes from booty certainly only last a while.

On the other hand, there are times when we (women) have to be independent, versatile, and strong in everything, of course, without degrading men. Why? Because there will be a situation where the couple must support each other, financial isn’t always stable, and it can’t be denied that the emergency fund is needed to survive. In essence, it takes mutual understanding and reduces pride.

“But, Nin, aren’t the best women are they who stay at home?”

Do medical staff such as nurses that would be most women, have to stay at home? Then who will treat sick people in the hospital?

Understanding the Holy Qur’an must be comprehensive because it always relevant to any era. Activities or working outside isn’t prohibited, but women should maintain the Shari’a, keep yourself from slander, and know the limits that should be. Correct me if I’m wrong.

In my opinion, being a housewife or a career woman will always have advantages and disadvantages. It’s useless if you become a housewife but your children are still being taken care of by parents or in-laws and you are lazy to do the house works. Conversely, it is also useless if you become a career woman but abandoned your children and parents without any attention just because you have a lot of money.

If you are a housewife who also works from home every day, congratulations, you are really lucky, and you have to be grateful because not everyone has such opportunities. Hehe, it means I also congratulate Mama, my best role model, because I know how hard the steep road that she has been on for years without anyone else knowing.

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For my lovely friends,
Don’t be upset and sad if you are not married yet.

Complexities thought above illustrate how marriage requires careful preparation because of course, we want to marry someone only once in a lifetime, and heaven later. Not for show off.

Remember, marriage is not a competition,
We are in our timeline,

There is no need to be jealous of those who are getting married early, nor don’t reproach those who are getting married late. Besides that, don’t feel great if you often have a relationship but it can’t be serious. That habit can carry over at any time. “Someone who cheats will do it another time”, one of the warnings in this Korean Drama. Remember, we are humans, not goods. Nothing sold and unsold. If it has to be analogous to goods, the higher the value of an item, usually only certain people can have it? So, guard your chastity 😊

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Talking about standards and types, it is fine if each person has a specific candidate in their dreams. But somehow, sometimes things like that are a bit different from the selfish feeling, so be careful to have a feeling. Be whole-hearted, but yes, it’s certainly difficult, but we must believe in Allah’s plan, right?

No matter how hard we pray for someone, we will not unite if it is not our destiny. Sincerity is the highest peak in love, and surely your real partner will be sad if you still wanting someone else and can not get rid of our feelings. Then, just continue with the halal feelings!

Now, my prayer has changed to “O Allah, meet me with someone who is truly sincere, can lead me, and love my family, if you want to meet in the world. But if you meet in the afterlife, please guide and strengthen me to always on the right path when in the world “

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Why do I pray like that?

Because no one knows, who will pick me first, right? Love, or death?

Of course, it doesn’t matter if you keep mentioning your lovely one in your prayers, and indeed there have been many successful examples. It’s just that I feel calmer when I start to surrender because I was prepared with all the possibilities that could happen. Because, until now, there is no disappointing storyline of Allah in my life.

Once again, bring your good prejudice, hopefully, all of us will meet our soulmate in the world and also in the hereafter ❤

Photo by Ylanite Koppens from Pexels

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Last but not least …

I give my highest appreciation to the medical staff, all professions, and all the people who have struggled in their ways to stop the spread of Covid-19.

If we can’t do anything, praying and staying at home is the easiest way to save human lives.

We certainly hope that handling this pandemic puts safety and justice first. I believe that at least the prayers of good people will reach Allah’s pleasure to show the right, punish those who commit wrongdoing, and restore this earth again.

Happy Eid Al-Fitr 1441 H! May we meet in the next Ramadhan without distance, with a beautiful story